Hi my name is Britney, I am a Mother in Recovery.
I had a good upbringing, loving parents, excelled in sports, and have an older brother and a twin sister. She was the “good” twin. We had a pool, usually got what we asked for, and lived in a upper middle class neighbourhood.
When I was 14 I was raped by my high school boyfriend. That was the loss of my virginity. That following Monday he had spread rumours about me cheating on him and having sex with numerous people. I would be severely bullied from that time forward.
I was getting in physical fights at school, before eventually being told I should be home schooled for my safety.
That’s when my life really changed. I found myself to have a lot of spare time, and filled it with guys, sex, drugs and alcohol. I wanted validation and I got it from men, I must be special if they will sleep with me. It’s how I measured my worth. At 16 I had been sent to live with my aunt in California for 3 months to get a “break”. When I returned home, I started where I left off.
At 17 I had a suicide attempt. I didn’t have the will to live anymore. Life was too hard, I had so much shame and embarrassment. I was so angry and hurt. I was lonely. I was discharged after spending a week on life support. I had been diagnosed with bipolar. I refused the recommended outpatient care.
I went home, but my life stayed the same. I would regularly visit the drunk tank, wake up naked in bushes, strangers beds or date people worse off than me. I had been in a couple car accidents while impaired and my dad would pay for my legal fees.
At 19 I attended my first meeting, I had no idea what to expect. I went for a few weeks before deciding it wasn’t for me. I wasn’t ready to do the work. I wasn’t hearing the messages. I would continue to use with a few days or weeks clean at times. This was my normal way of living. And I had accepted this as my truth.
31 years old, I found out I was pregnant. My partner and I were using daily, we decided to keep the baby. This was our chance to stop using. We finally had a purpose and a reason to stop.
It didn’t stop. The denial was deep, I mastered lying and manipulating mostly to myself.
I had so much shame and guilt, I new better then this. I was raised better then this. This wasn’t what I imagined it would be like. But I couldn’t stop.
I was 8 months pregnant driving home from the bar for my Christmas party. I pulled over to puke out my window. It would be the last time I would use.
Our baby was 1 month old when My partner checked himself into treatment. If he hadn’t I was prepared to do this on my own. I had never felt a love this strong. I was ready to protect this little human from harm and from that lifestyle. I was a mom, and for the first time in my life I wanted to be the best version of myself.
I sat in the chairs of NA for 5 months before building the courage and willingness to finally surrender. And it was HARD. I was scared to be vulnerable. I was scared to admit to myself that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol. I was scared to say goodbye to that relationship I had with my substance. It had kept me safe from the world. When the truth is it had kept me sick, alone and living in shame
I never went to treatment, so MRT was my safe place when I first came into the program, where I learned how to get vulnerable. I could share my truth with other women and I quickly learned I wasn’t alone in my feelings. They taught me how to love myself again, and told me again and again how important and valuable I was to them and my family. I still have moments where I think about using, but i play that tape out. I know I can’t have just one, and I think about my son and the mom I want to be to him. I have worked so hard to get to a place where I can be proud of the mom I am, and honestly know I am doing my best.
It’s okay to hurt and we don’t have to go through it alone another day.
This has been the first time in my life I have made relationships with other women, and not felt judged, but I’ve recently moved and its been hard to get to my Tuesday meeting in New Westminster. I wish there was a MRT meeting in my area. I miss feeling connected to “my people.”
Thank you for giving me the courage and strength to share my thoughts feelings and experience. I am forever grateful to each person on this tribe. I love reading all the messages of hope.
Mother’s Recovery Tribe Society exists to empower mothers on ALL paths of recovery with the strength and courage found in each other. MRT needs financial support to continue to provide and increase access to these critical resources for mothers in recovery from addiction, poverty, relationship breakdown and abuse of any kind. We believe that when you help support one mother recover, you help a whole family heal from the affects of addiction. To reach our goal, we need your help.
We do recover – but never alone.
Send MRT a message today about how YOU can help Mothers Recover from Addiction!
Frances Stone is President of Mother’s Recovery Tribe Society and lives her life passionately as an advocate for ALL mothers on ALL pathways of recovery. Frances is a Certified Addictions Counsellor, Author of A Reflection of Love ~ A Different Kind of Love Story and Former Radio Co-Host of Talk Recovery Vancouver, a show about addiction and recovery issues, located in the DTES of Vancouver, BC. Frances Stone’s greatest love and passion is for her three clever, curious and challenging growing tweens & teens!