I started this as a Facebook post, that got so long, it seemed more appropriate as a blog post. Its still rough, but I need to get going for the day ahead. I hope to write more later today. Please check back if you are so inclined...
I've gone through a bit of a "rough patch" over the last week. What that looks like is a feeling of constant and complete exhaustion, wanting to isolate, conflicts with others (conversations I decide I will no longer ignore) and a lot of overwhelming heart breaking tears that come from the depths of my soul feeling like no one knows me and no one cares. ITS NOT REAL. People know me and people care about me. But this is what my head tells me when I feel this way and when my physical defences are down, I am more easily persuaded to believe my head. Years ago, I used to drink to get out of these "funks" now I just have to feel them, go to meetings, talk to friends and take little steps out of them. One of those steps is boundaries. Because I need to protect my mental health, I need to have boundaries or I get lost.
One of those boundaries is protecting myself against stress. Things that cause me stress are situations that are uncertain. By this, I mean people that I'm not sure like, understand or are committed to me but I keep trying to have a relationship with because I think they're important to me, just the feeling is not reciprocated, or something. I'm not sure. I can never figure it out. I don't do well in situations I can't figure out, so I try to avoid them. You may think that would lead to a small life, but it's quite the opposite. By connecting to people I know love, understand and 'get me' I lose a lot of the social clutter that comes with spending time with people that in a year or two, won't be around. I'm a loyal friend that invests in people for life, I expect and deserve the same in return.
This situation has come from a family argument over my recent blog post about my brother's overdose. People in my family don't think I have the right to talk about my family secrets. This is new territory for me that I will have to figure out where I stand about that. For now, I have broken up with my family. Its weird, but it won't change anything in the day-to-day. I barely see my family, except for my brother Ken who I do believe loves me and takes time to show me that he cares about me and my children, other than him, I haven't felt like I had a family where I was welcomed and understood since my mother died. i have felt that my sister's after I beg and plead for their help, will take my children on an outing. Anyways, see I'm bad with secrets. Maybe I expect too much or am hard to love, that could be true. I'm not easy, but I do think I'm worth it. Blah, blah, blah. I want to not care. Life would be easier if I didn't, how much I care is actually what scares me for my mental health. These feelings can send me into a downward spiral of depression that scares me and rightfully so. ITS REAL AND ITS SCARY.
Another thing I do to step out of these "funks" is to spend time with someone who I know loves me unconditionally. It's why I spent the day with my daughter Maya yesterday going for lunch, shopping and seeing Wonder Woman. Maya loves me like I loved my mother— totally and completely. She's such a blessing to me. Once I am on this place where my perspective is returning, I pray to God to direct my path. Next thing I know, I am inspired to go somewhere or do something I hadn't thought of before.
Which brings me to the point of this post.
I went to Chapters yesterday with my daughter, who loves books as much as I, to buy books on writing well, memoir and blogging. Throughout my reading I have been inspired by the idea to begin to write my 2nd book, chapter by chapter, on my blog. For some, this would make no sense as it would not make money, but my writing has never been about money –my writing has always been about connection. Me connecting to God, myself, my purpose and the reader, the person looking for evidence that they are not alone and to gain information and insight into the path they are walking by someone who may be a few steps ahead. I have taken ten years of steps and I want to share what I've learned.
My question is this, would read it? If I pushed myself to publish a chapter every Sunday morning. Would you come here to read it? Tell me what you think so far, what you would like see improved? What you want the characters to talk more about? Too short? Too Long? Too intimate? Uncomfortable? More dialogue wanted? Less? (not possible, I'm terrible with dialogue)
My mission is to write this book this way because I hope it will be a great way to build community, engage readers and take the focus off myself and my "funky" feelings and puts the focus on helping others and myself through writing. It will be personal and scary to write. The book will be about my learning about myself and trying to fix my old life by having two more children, poverty, bipolar, standup comedy, my mother's death (that will be beyond words ... ) relapse, and then building a new life with Talk Recovery, going to school to be an Addictions Counsellor and falling in love again and then having to say goodbye ... forever? I'm not sure. More will be revealed. Anyways, it will be hard to write, but writers write! I write because writing lets me dream, not of money, but of connection; of building a community of people that understand where I am coming from and talking about. A community where I am the new-normal. Not sure. Must go. But I want your thoughts. Are you with me? Subscribe to follow me along. Let's write this story together.
All my Relations - Frances Stone, Ms. Recovery Writes
Frances Stone is the Author of A Reflection of Love ~ A Different Kind of Love Story, a Recovery Counsellor and a Radio Co-Host of Talk Recovery Vancouver, a show about addiction and recovery issues, located in the DTES of Vancouver, BC. In her spare time, she does laundry and mothers three clever, curious and challenging little humans.